Keeping Dignity in Bathing and Dressing Help for an Older Parent

For most of us, bathing and dressing are the most private things we do. So when a parent starts needing a hand with them, the feeling on both sides can be heavy. Your father may feel he has lost something. You may feel you are crossing a line you never expected to cross. The good news is that personal care can be done in a way that keeps a person's privacy and pride intact. It mostly comes down to a few habits.

Why it feels so hard to accept

Think about what is being asked. An adult who raised children, ran a household and made decisions for decades is being told, in effect, that the shower has become risky. It is no surprise that many parents deny it, insist they are fine, or quietly skip bathing instead of asking for help. Respecting that reaction is the first step. A parent who feels respected is far more likely to accept help than one who feels cornered.

Ask first, then ask again

The simplest form of dignity is asking. Not "it is time for your bath," but "would you like to freshen up now or after breakfast?" Offering a choice, even a small one, returns some control to the person. Which towel? Which soap? Warm water first or later? A caregiver who asks before every step is signaling that this is still your parent's body and their routine.

Privacy in the bathroom

Privacy is practical as well as emotional. A few steps make a real difference.

• Keep the person covered with a towel or robe except for the part being washed
• Close the door and the curtains, and keep the room warm
• Let them do what they can: washing their own face, hands or front
• Describe each step before it happens so nothing comes as a surprise
• Step back when they would like a moment alone, whenever it is safe to do so

Safety and privacy sometimes pull in different directions. A grab bar, a shower chair and a non-slip mat are not signs of defeat. They are what lets a person keep bathing mostly on their own. Families often find that setting these up first means the help that follows can be lighter and less intrusive.

Dressing with choices intact

Dressing is where personality shows. Your mother may have always worn a particular scarf, or your father may not leave the house without a collared shirt. Keeping those habits matters. Lay out two outfits and let your parent choose. Favor clothing that is easy to put on, such as elastic waists, front buttons or zippers, and shoes with a good grip, without turning every outfit into something that looks like a uniform. Take your time. Rushing a person through getting dressed tells them they are a task.

Language and tone

How help is spoken about carries weight. Clinical or childish words land harder than they sound. Use plain, adult language and never talk about your parent in the third person while they are in the room. Keep conversation going during personal care, about the garden, the grandchildren or the ball game. Ordinary talk helps the moment feel ordinary.

Consistency helps

Trust builds when the routine is predictable and the same faces appear. When your parent knows who is coming and roughly when, the morning loses some of its dread. If something about the routine is not working, say so. A shower at ten o'clock might suit your mother better than eight. A good plan changes to fit her.

When the helper is a spouse or a child

Many families begin with a husband, wife or adult child doing this care themselves. It is a loving thing to do, and also a hard one. Roles blur when a daughter is bathing her father, or a husband is helping his wife dress after many years of marriage. Some people find that a paid caregiver takes some of the awkwardness out of it, so that the family can go back to being family. There is no failure in that. Handing over the most intimate tasks can protect the relationship.

The Hills Premium Services provides personal care for older adults, including help with bathing, dressing and grooming, in Scottsdale homes. If you would like to talk about how that could work for your parent, call (480) 234-1301 or visit the office at 6424 E Greenway Pkwy #100, Scottsdale, AZ 85254.